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Sunday, March 29, 2009

7:51 AM

My mask took over my identity. What used to be a substitution is now permanent. When i put on this mask a year ago. I never meant for it to stick. Now i can't take it off.

What to do. What to do. Not a question. Just little mutterings to keep me sane. Whatever is left of me that's sane.

Well. People leaving, people coming. What is the proper mask to put on? Mask of despair? Mask of relief? Mask of pain? Mask of encouragement? What should i put on? I can't just give that blank face can i?

And in response.
If there's nothing under your mask, then you are hollow, you've become your mask. Like me. :) If you have several masks, you can even be different. Accommodate to more ppl.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

1:41 AM

Read into this song. Found out it really has some nice meanings to it. Although it might not be how he wanted it to be like, but it's my interpretation. So yeah. I think... EHh, don't feel like typing. Signing out. Remember to leave the light on. But switch it off during earth hour! Hahaha...

David Cook - “Light On” Lyrics

Never really said too much
Afraid it wouldn’t be enough
Just try to keep my spirits up
When there’s no point in grieving
Doesn’t matter anyway
Words could never make me stay
Words will never take my place
When you know I’m leaving

(Chorus)
Try to leave a light on when I’m gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I’m gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it’s late at night you can look inside
You won’t feel so alone

You know we’ve been down that road
What seems a thousand times before
My back to a closing door and my eyes to the seasons
That roll out underneath my heels
And you don’t know how bad it feels
To leave the only one that I have ever believed in

[Chorus]

Sometimes it feels like we’ve run out of luck
When the signal keeps on breaking up
When the wires cross in my brain
You’ll start my heart again
When I come along

[Chorus]

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

7:58 AM

I'm afraid of where i'm going.
I've got no dream.
Nothing to work for...
People have something they strive for... But me?

*Nothing*

Sigh... Do i have anything to work for? Anything to aim for?
Like some people want to be lawyers, doctors, SCHOLARS! Me? I don't know!
Sigh... I need a dream. Something that i can push myself to get... Something that I would be able to remind myself of every time i slack off... I WANT TO BE A... WHAT?! What comes after that?!

Others... I know... They work for love. Well... Love for someone... Parents, siblings, partners... I wish i could do that too... But i don't know why... I can't... I can't love them... Maybe i'm going about it wrong... I can't LOVE!

Love to me is the greatest feeling that i'll ever feel... Maybe i'm putting too much faith in love but that's what i think it is... Right now... All i feel for almost everyone is just thankfulness... I'm thankful for my parents, my siblings, my friends... But though i thought i did feel love once... That feeling was ripped away... So i've got nothing to work on..

Some of you might even be thinking (Wow. Yeah. You thinking!), (Sorry, a lil` bitchy right now), why not work for the future, for the future that you'll need, the future of the one you're going to love! Work for the future of your own LIFE! But right now. I don't know why i'm even living. What do we live for. What for? Just to keep yourselves alive? Just to make others feel better? Just to wait for the future? No! I don't even KNOW why I WANT TO LIVE! If living in this life, in this world, is called living. I don't think i want to live. But what wouldn't it be a waste if i just died? Wouldn't everything everyone has done since the day i was born be wasted? Everyone would still have been alive, maybe with different lives, but still alive. What would have changed? Yeah, maybe my sisters would be doing better, my family richer without me sucking up the money. Maybe my friends would have done better, without me pulling them down, maybe others will have other best friends, but they'll surely HAVE someone, even if it wasn't me. Maybe better people would have been in the JC which i'm in instead of me wasting a slot in this JC.

I just don't know how i've done anything in this life worth credit. I'm afraid i probably won't do anything worth credit in the future either. I don't know what i'll do... I need someone, something... To keep me going... If not. I don't even know what i'm doing in life. THAT'S why i'm wasting my life. Someone. Anyone. Save me. But I don't think anyone can. Coz... I'm just too good at convincing that what everyone says is false. Say that i'm just making it up myself. That i'm just doing it to myself. YES I AM! BUT HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO STOP IT!

Ohhh~ Think positive thoughts. You CAN DO IT! You were there when i needed you. You changed my life. You are doing this to yourself, stop it yourself.
Think positive thoughts, yeahhh, and where ARE those positive thoughts that i need, huh? WHAT is SO POSITIVE? I can do it? Heh. How? How do i pull through? HOW CAN I GET OUT OF THIS GODDAMN HOLE THAT I HAVE DUG FOR MYSELF? I was there when you needed me. So? If i wasn't there, someone else would have been... If i wasn't here, someone else would just take over my place. I'm that replaceable, no? I'm irreplaceable you say? HAH! Ask the LAST person who said that to me. I got replaced so easily i took only a few months to find a new me! WOW! Next, I changed your life? Same argument as the last, if i didn't change it someone else would have. And how many have i changed for the worse and how many for the better? Have i done more harm than good? How would anyone know? I'm doing this to myself? Yes i am. Stop it myself? How? YOU TELL ME! Stop thinking? Stop dwelling on the past? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHEN IT KEEPS POPPING UP IN MY HEAD? EVEN when i make a conscious effort to stop it, isn't that still thinking about it? If i don't think about it, it'll still come so WHAT am i supposed to do?!

Again. If anyone knows how to help this deranged F***ed up little bugger. Just help him. But even if he smiles and accepts your consolations. Rest at ease because you KNOW he's just going to make it all backfire, EVEN if he doesn't want to. So sorry.

Labels: Help.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

8:14 PM

Long time ago, in a faraway place the prince of Tempanice, Nersirus, was sleeping silently. He dreamt about fights, he dreamt about wars, and above all else he dreamt about love. His best friend Loki had always hung out with him until Loki recently started going out with one of the younger bards.
However, Nersirus did not feel jealousy as he had never known love, never felt the need to love, but on her birthday, Madeline, his sister invited him to her ball, telling him that there was someone that might interest him.
He laughed it off but dressed his best nonetheless, and went to the ball. When the prince walked in, several of Madeline’s friends were already dancing, but only one caught his eye. He fell in love with her instantly, the princess from the neighbouring kingdom of Pasuories, Wilona. She was coveted by many a man, but he talked to her casually, introducing himself as the prince. They had a dance, they talked and they laughed. He couldn’t express how he felt for her, so he hid his feelings, but loved her deeply nonetheless.
The day had to end, but the prince couldn’t confess, but he sent many letters to the fair princess. She replied with an equal force of letters, both killing many pigeons through exhaustion. This continued for a few years, they met occasionally and he was always the gentleman, but that might have very well cursed him.
Scouts warned the kingdoms about an incoming army of the Slevelo barbarians. War waged between the kingdoms and the attacking Slevelo, the war was short but brutal, and its effects were great. Many people fell in the great war of Slevelo.
One of the kingdoms was the princess’, it did not survive the war. It was overrun by the barbarians and the kingdom was called Turmahsik. Loki was in the kingdom at the time and was then stuck in the ASS of Turmahsik.
The prince’s kingdom, though it survived the war, was facing many difficulties and the prince could not cope with the many needs of his kingdom. Many disasters befell onto the once great kingdom, swarms of stress destroyed his crops, procrastination plagued his land and his own court did not trust him. Those terrible times were called the Naidirem Roinuj Egelloc, directly translated meaning the Times of the Lifeless Living.
However, the prince continued to talk to the princess in secret, dodging between the barbarians, just to see her face. Each time they met, they got closer and closer. Each time they met, he felt his worries slip away, just being with her healed him. On one of those visits, he confessed his love to her, they were in love. They walked together and talked, but every good thing had to come to an end.
He went back to his kingdom and during the time he was away, the princess was taken by the barbarians and for several weeks, he could not contact her. He could not reach her. He kept sending messages to the princess but she did not want to see him. Not long after, she met up again with him, saying that she wanted to go separate ways, he saw it coming, and he just nodded and smiled when she talked. After she left, he cried, he hadn’t known such pain, he had never known such grief...
She left the prince. In less than a year, the princess hooked up with one of the left handed barbarian men.

Now the prince was heartbroken and lost, his kingdom went into ruins. He didn’t do anything to save his kingdom from destruction, all he felt was grief, pain, sorrow... He sought love during those dark times but found none. He lifelessly went on with life, struggling to rebuild his kingdom to its former glory.
He was at another one of his meetings when he started to notice a girl in his court. She was smart and beautiful, but he could not understand her. He did not know what she felt. He flirted with her, she flirted back. But there was no passion, she never started a conversation with him, and she was often seen talking to many other men in court. He didn’t know what she was thinking, and frankly it didn’t really bother him.
Their feeling of mutual attraction was present, but the prince could not see anything further. But she could not capture his heart like how the princess did.
Perhaps it was because his heart was already gone.

The lonely prince continued to fall into darkness as his heart slowly froze and his feelings slowly numbed. No longer caring. No longer the carefree prince sleeping in the summer.

What should the prince do?
(a) Wait to see if the princess will come back to him?
(b) Go after the lady in the court, p.s. She has nice boobs(LOL).
(c) Continue to lifelessly build his kingdom to prepare for the next attack,
p.s. Scouts say that they’ll arrive at the end of the year.
(d) Kill himself to escape the pains of life and love.

Others: -Madeline survived the attack and is now together with a guy named Amy. (Weird name for a guy eh?) –Loki continued his relationship with the younger bard, but she couldn’t stand him and said that she needed some time alone, then after some time, they got together again.

Labels: Pick your own ending

Sunday, March 15, 2009

7:44 AM

Me getting desperate. (NOT SERIOUS!!), but y'know you can take it seriously if you want.)
Job application maybe.

Applicants must know me personally, or at least talked to me before.
Job requirements: Female, average looks, needs to be at least smarter than others, witty, patient enough to wake me up, able to sit with me and get me to do my work, able to take initiative, can take the lead, must have actual interest in me.

About me: Very sad right now, I'll probably get very high once together with someone or thinking of someone. Likes contact(holding hands, hugs, etc, etc.) Don't mind just sitting together in silence. Just tell me anything you're unhappy with and I WILL do anything in my power to help you (Even if not in my power, i'll get it done just for you), will be romantic on those special occasions, will always be there when needed but sometimes even when not, i cook and bake, and i'm looking for the ONE. So applicants will be judged according to feeling.

Oh well. I dunno but hey drop me a tag or something if interested. hahaa... But seriously, i'm NOT serious. :)

Labels: Boyfriend Advert

Sunday, March 8, 2009

3:21 AM

I'm an emo boy, in a dark dark world.
No emotions, dark sensations.
I can cut my wrists, blood spilling everywhere...
Hurt myself to, make myself cool.

*Sing to I'm a barbie girl tune*

Hahaha... Cool..
But hey i'm seriously out of my mind nowadays. Can't stop thinking of girls. The new girl in my tuition is seriously... Woo~ I like her voice too. Ahh~ HAhahaa... But seriously? I don't think so... I don't feel anything romantically... Just oh cute girl. I'll smack that. But nothing. Nada. No feelings. Sigh. Maybe if i just went ahead started flirting around? Nahh... Mich will KILL me. No she won't. I will KILL ME! Hahaa... And i start kicking my own ass. Zzzz...

Lets go and steal Looloo's blogging technique. *ahem*

Darwin's Theory of evolution,
Every organism already has a set number of types of alleles.
If they have a brown and blonde hair. and all the blondes are wiped off the earth.
There will never be a blonde hair girl. Ever.
But in Lamarckian theory, we evolve to adapt. So a person who is born with certain characteristics can adapt and get different characteristics. Or maybe new ones. So new alleles are formed.
I was thinking. If the Lamarckian theory of evolution held true. wouldn't one be able to change yourself to become better. Become smarter. Everything. Well the trouble with that is that it might incur an opportunity cost in time. Because if you spend more time becoming stronger. You will have to sacrifice the time needed for studying. And so on and so forth. But in Darwin's theory, your limits are already set for you. You can't escape your IQ level, you can't escape your looks, how strong you are is already limited. Sigh. Thinking out of point. And it's also the wrong concept. So sad. I think i better refine my argument better.

FAIL!

I can't copy Looloo's style. It's too different! NOOOO.
Hahaahaa...

Labels: Style stealing

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